Thump. Thump. upon my head and heart.

Tonight I was assailed by the fear of getting married. I think a lot of it is the magnitude of the decision and commitment to get married. Don't get me wrong. I'm not wanting to back out of it by any means, but I am prepared to say that I am more nervous than well.....I am extremely nervous.
and fearful.

I had no IDEA that I would be this nervous and fearful.
I am fearful that I will miss the big picture.
I am fearful that I cannot/will not be the man I need to be for my family.
I am fearful that it will take extreme consequences for me to find true freedom.
I am fearful that I will fail to learn intimacy with God and thus fail to show true intimacy with my wife-to-be.
I am fearful my baggage will weigh more than just me down.
I am fearful I will be too messy for marriage.
I am fearful of my flesh. (It's so hard to remember that it's flesh when working in a field that recognizes it as so many other things such as environmental issues, psychological maladjustments, developmental impairments, obstacles, addictions, disturbed behavior, etc.)

Enough of that. I think that covers the main ones.
I don't know why I am so taken aback by these thoughts and emotions tonight but I am. I am.

Okay, so

I went and saw The Incredible Hulk at the theaters at midnight last night, and let me be the first to say that it











































































was AWESOME!!!!!!!

Yep, maybe not awesome enough to merit caps AND all those exclamation points, but it deserved at least a good four of those exclamation points. Yes, I am thoroughly proud of Edward Norton and Liv Tyler. You SHOULD spend the money to go see this on the big screen. This isn't exactly a sit at home kind of movie. Great. Go see it.

Okay, my rant is done now and I am off to see my lady friend for the weekend.

Preparing for the season

Father's Day.

It's always interesting. My Dad died on January 31, 2000. This will make the eighth Father's Day without him. This is pretty much only the fourth year I've actually felt anything from his death. I often wonder if what I feel around this time of year are feelings that resurface that are triggered by reminders of memories or whether it's me forcing things to memory so that I can continue to lament.

Tonight, I miss my Dad. I don't always, but right now I do. I think if he were here he'd be proud of me. I think he'd tell me, "you're doing a good job, son. Keep it up," about my schooling. I think he would love Sarah almost as much as I do. I think he would realize that I'm more like him than either he or I ever realized during the 15 semi-together years we had. I think I would be honest with him and tell him where I am in life, even when I knew he probably would not understand.

I miss his hugs and kisses. I miss that when I went in for for a kiss (kind of like when the "airplane" of food is headed to a babe's mouth) that he would use his tongue to swing the ever present toothpick into his mouth so he could kiss me on the cheek and not stab me with a splinter of wood. I miss the way he protected me. I miss doing things with him I dreaded and disliked like fishing for 6 hours at a time. I miss having opportunities. Opportunities for more opportunities. Opportunities to learn trades from him, to cook like him, to be funny like him, to play the harmonica poorly like him, to work on vehicles like him, to fish with unmatched fervor like him.

I just miss him.
It's strange. I haven't felt this way in a quite a long time.



I think he would support my wedding and be ultimately proud of me. I think he would beam with joy over me with his love not only because of the path I have walked, but because of the decisions I have made on paths that were too often decided for me.

I miss my Dad, Hawkeye. He was more wonderful than either of us realized.

Happy early Father's Day Dad.


PS: I don't own a picture of me and my Dad together. I hope there's one in existence.
PPS: Thanks for walking down Memory Lane with me (if you made it).

Extended Vacation

Well, it seems that I've been quite a vacation from the blogging world. As some have experienced, vacationing is not always sunshine and rose buds. This has definitely been true for me. I am in the midst of an intense battle I expect to be clearly defined and quickly eliminated. Unfortunately, this battle is made up of gray lines, time, processes, and journeys.

I must say I'm glad to be back to the blogging world. However, I do not want my blog to be the bulimic bucket of my life. Still, I cannot help but write about my present life. I can and will no longer live in the past but in the present and own all that which is me.

This is my stalwart, my stronghold, and my song.