Preparing for the season

Father's Day.

It's always interesting. My Dad died on January 31, 2000. This will make the eighth Father's Day without him. This is pretty much only the fourth year I've actually felt anything from his death. I often wonder if what I feel around this time of year are feelings that resurface that are triggered by reminders of memories or whether it's me forcing things to memory so that I can continue to lament.

Tonight, I miss my Dad. I don't always, but right now I do. I think if he were here he'd be proud of me. I think he'd tell me, "you're doing a good job, son. Keep it up," about my schooling. I think he would love Sarah almost as much as I do. I think he would realize that I'm more like him than either he or I ever realized during the 15 semi-together years we had. I think I would be honest with him and tell him where I am in life, even when I knew he probably would not understand.

I miss his hugs and kisses. I miss that when I went in for for a kiss (kind of like when the "airplane" of food is headed to a babe's mouth) that he would use his tongue to swing the ever present toothpick into his mouth so he could kiss me on the cheek and not stab me with a splinter of wood. I miss the way he protected me. I miss doing things with him I dreaded and disliked like fishing for 6 hours at a time. I miss having opportunities. Opportunities for more opportunities. Opportunities to learn trades from him, to cook like him, to be funny like him, to play the harmonica poorly like him, to work on vehicles like him, to fish with unmatched fervor like him.

I just miss him.
It's strange. I haven't felt this way in a quite a long time.



I think he would support my wedding and be ultimately proud of me. I think he would beam with joy over me with his love not only because of the path I have walked, but because of the decisions I have made on paths that were too often decided for me.

I miss my Dad, Hawkeye. He was more wonderful than either of us realized.

Happy early Father's Day Dad.


PS: I don't own a picture of me and my Dad together. I hope there's one in existence.
PPS: Thanks for walking down Memory Lane with me (if you made it).